Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. - Rumi

Monday, September 29, 2014

A pensive observation

Would I do it all over again? 
A reflective look back

NO.  I wouldn’t do it all over again.
I would not chose to be the low-self-esteem, no confidence person that let life and people emotionally and sexually abuse me.
I would of used the word NO more often.
The only part of my life that I would do over is have my son and accept my step son into my life.
Hindsight shows me all the ways I didn’t value myself and my abilities.  I had no confidence and no one to pump me up.
Now, I can see what my poor choices took away from me.
I am now re visioning my life to be what I am capable of and without destructive people in it.
Having my sons was the best part of my life, it forced me to grow up.
No it forced me to look at all of the dysfunctional, negative, self – depreciating ways that I REFUSED to have be a part of my sons lives.

It is said we are the sum of our all of our experiences, that they shape us into who we are.  But some of those experiences I could of done without if I had had proper role models who cared, truly cared for me. 
It is why parenting is a sacrifice.  
In order to support and nurture a growing human being we have to put our child before ourselves.  Not all the time, but enough.
I feel like I am still becoming who I was meant to be.
And at least is this part of the journey I can walk away from what will give me pain.
Pain is no longer necessary for me to realize I am alive.  I don’t need someone to treat me badly as a way to get attention.