Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. - Rumi

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

What is my destiny????

What is my destiny???

I ask myself this question…
After the spiritual practitioner looks me in the face and smiles and says meet your destiny!!!
After I say that I am connected to the sources of life, of love, of beauty, of divine connection, even in the midst of my angst....

And why does that question stump me? That I am aware and watching myself go through the motions of my life…
Women are sacred.
I am sacred.
My yoni is sacred.
My mind is a sacred place,
My body is a sacred space:
Who I let touch it, hold it, feel it, enter it…
Is important, it is important, because he will leave a print on me…..I got it like that.
I am that sacred vessel of the goddess.
So when I let some one in… he enters into a vortex of love, light, healing and joy. And it doesn't just stop because he says so, or he doesn't want me.

My destiny…..to love and be loved.
To accept unconditional love, to give unconditional love.  To share my healing gifts and abilities with everyone who crosses my path. 
To see the sacred, to make sacred, to sacrifice to love, to see the beauty, to see the love, to see the joy, to see myself.

I am in flux,
I am in transition,
But, but I have to remember that everything is in divine order.

I used to think I had to have a concrete answer.  I don’t.
I just have to say “How can it get better than this?” and be available for the answer.
I have to remember to ask questions.
I have to remember that life is for me and nothing is against me.
My destiny, be a beneficial presence on the planet.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Healing - What is it? Who needs it?

What does it mean to be a healer? 
What does it mean to be a Goddess?

watercolor on watercolor paper

What is healing? What is healing energy?  How does it manifest?
Who needs it?  How do you know when someone is going to cross your path and need it?

I became aware that when I focus energy through my hands with light that it goes where I want it. I became aware that I could channel energy.  I became aware that with correct mantra I can focus healing thoughts, that my thoughts are energy and can go anywhere in the world that I direct them.

When I was aware that my marriage was no longer working, that he had beaten me down and my soul was in jeopardy, my intuition began to say I had to get myself out of the relationship.  I became aware that I had to value myself.  I found a book by Clarissa PInkola-Estes called Women who run with the wolves, and began to reconnect to myself.
I made a doll to give my troubles to.  I began to search out information.
I found this Goddess shop and they gave me the number to a women’s organization.  I connected.  I found Isis.  And was invited to meet a woman who was a high priestess.  She was lovely.  She was accepting and open.  She invited me to a ritual at the beach.  She invited me to become a handmaiden to the Goddess Isis.  And I did and things began to fall in place inside myself.  I found strength where I had none, I began to feel alive again.  I began to participate in rituals, I began to connect to my higher self, to my power and things began to fall into place. 
I learned about myself.  Who I am…
I learned that I could chant, raise the energy and focus it where I wanted to. 
I have been on this path since I landed in Los Angeles, in retrospect.  I read Lynn Andrews books about being a shaman and medicine woman.
It was all beginning to come out of me.  I began to want to vision quest.
I had an astrological reading, I learned who I was, what gifts I came into this life with and I began to heal and learn and learn.
At one particular time a child had a seizure in my arms, with all the praying and work that I had been doing, I kept her here and wrapped her in so much light that she is still alive, 20 years later.  She had very grim prognosis.  But I was connected to all these women that had temples and prayed and we hooked her up.  I kept her on every prayer list that I knew of.  Priestesses , Christians, new age thinkers, everyone prayed for this little girl.
And that was when I learned what my other name is.  And I began to use it.
By and by I focused on other areas of my life, but the constant is that I know I tend to attract people (men) that are wounded on some level and the sweetness and healing nature of who I am soothes them.  I understand that now. 
I almost don’t even have to think about it.  It is second nature to who I am.  It is as if I have stepped into the mantle of my power as a healer.
I recently connected to spiritual community at Agape.  I love being part of a spiritual community.  At first I made the mistake of thinking that I was there to heal people and help with their challenges.  And it drained me.  So I didn’t go for awhile.  But now, I know I am there to receive.  And that it is safe for me to be there.  I have a large giving nature.  It is just apart of who I am. 
And when I ask myself “who am I?”
I am a healer, I am a woman, I am a mother, daughter, sister, lover, priestess, artist, goddess woman, intuitive empathy walking the earth.

So I heal, my presence is healing.  I am aware that I have that gift.
I use it to the best of my ability.  My recent challenge is in learning to trust the wisdom of my soul.  It pops out….it hits me with jolts of knowledge.  I am learning about this new component of myself.
And then I found yoga…and reached deeper into another dimension of myself as I did moving meditations in yoga class, my soul began to speak to me….and that was mind-blowingly beautiful.
Before I enter a space I ask, if it is safe for my energy to be there.
As a Goddess woman, I have to protect myself.
As a Goddess woman, I have healing abilities that precede me and as I connect to my higher self, my soul I have so much joy, love and happiness in my life.

The healing comes…it is a natural part of who I am, the gift has been activated and I surrender to the beauty of getting to be a light worker on the planet.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Meeting the conditions of Life....more of the journey


This is what healing looks like

What does it mean that the conditions have to be met in order for something to happen in ones life?
I am speaking specifically about my life and the experiences that I have had...and the ones I will have.
In spiritual speak, everything in life happens because it was already planned before you were born.  That is the theory.  So everything that happens was already pre destined.  The conditions or situations to create what will happen next have already been planned.
So to then reflect on what is happening in my life and with the mini-relationship I had...that was already destined.  it was a meeting with destiny.
it was across space and time, it was on the edge of the land and the sea and it was random...but it turned out to be anything but random.
I found a connection, a soul connection, I found passion, heat and depth, I found love.  But it was not mine to keep.
And the way it was taken from me was harsh.  And could of been different I can see now.
But back to conditions....then everything that is happening and going to happen was planned when we took our souls incarnation in this lifetime.  Every experience is to help us grow or not, depending on how we perceive and process the event.
I remember when the people who own my apartment complex wanted to evict me so that they could raise the rent....I was angry, especially with the building manager who went out of his way to be unkind toward me.  And then I began to say "thank you" to him in my minds eye.  It shifted my thinking, it shifted my paradigm and while I never liked him, I had no hostility towards him or them.  I stayed in the apartment and they didn't bother me anymore.  I also lawyered up.
So in that condition I began to learn about the power of prayer.  I learned to accept responsibility for my thoughts, that they create energy.
So conditions....I am open to receiving a whole, magical relationship with a man who can be my life partner.  What more must I do?  I just went through a situation that ripped me to my core.  And I was meant to have it, because I did!!!!!
So then the words that come to mind are HEAL...LOVE...HEAL...LOVE
So I work on myself.  I continue working on myself.
I met my ex-husband and was pregnant the third time I slept with him....I obviously had something to work out with him...and I raised his son from his previous marriage.  That was the condition for me to have my son. ......so I am thinking about this a lot.
My first ex husband recently contacted me via Facebook to say thank you for saving his life.  My son's father sent me an email saying how important I was for our children's lives and what great people they are.  One of my old boyfriends from 2009 came and put a note on my car...and when I spoke with him wanted to reconnect.  
So I am really meditating and praying on understanding who I am  and wait for it.....
That is my next thing to figure out.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Life - changes, pain, growth, crying, moving on

My life has been in turmoil for a while.
And my response has been kinda tragic and reactive.
All around me I watched things burn down that I thought were safe, sacred and okay.
My mother is diagnosed with lung cancer - no surprise.
My car is having issues - transportation in LA is big...I roam the city and love everywhere I go.
The man I was seeing called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore, unexpected, but intuitively I felt it coming..but wasn't ready in light of the other things happening.
I am moving from my home of 18 years, and by myself have taken apart a three bedroom apartment.
slowly, step by step, beginning last year actually, I have gotten rid of everything that isn't necessary.
Weeding through all the baby stuff, and children stuff that I have collected over the years.  Taking down all the stupid shelving that my ex put up, going up and down the stairs hundreds of times, hundreds of times.  Slowly and surely working toward having myself paired down to what is necessary for my new place.
And then I just got draconian, and gave myself permission to just let stuff go.
And then the man problem.....having not been in a relationship and having someone that I felt I could relate to was wonderful.  The sex was good, the conversation was good and I just wanted a slow roll of being connected ---not marriage, not love, just being connected to a man.  And he wanted things that I wasn't ready to do and I was eventually not important to him.  And then I acted badly.  And then I told the truth of who I knew he was from the beginning, but still allowed myself to be in relationship with him.
Life longs for itself.  He needed healing.  I saw it... I felt it. I got sucked in.  And then my whole world was being ripped up....and I couldn't find my center....I couldn't slow down enough to catch my breath and the world was spinning.
My mother who I have a beautiful but challenging relationship with has smoked her whole life, I remember ashtrays on the table as a toddler, now has lung cancer.  She was in the hospital, barely weighing 80 pounds and it seemed like  this was it.  
My finances have been challenging.  I have been paying too much rent for a couple of years and it is catching up with me.  
My stepson has lived with me off and on, not really providing any financial support and not willing to have conversation with me about that has made it difficult for me.
My son thinks I have been hysterical for a few weeks, I have, and that I need to calm down.  And that I have ruined my relationship with my other son.  Because I have asked him to work to my timeline to get moved out of this apartment.  And here is the second sucker punch.  It just hit me wrong, just when I am beginning to heal from being taken advantage of by this man, (who will say my eyes were open), I get hit with this.  Really.
I have been going to my spiritual center to get myself back to remembering who I am.  I have been crying, which is cleansing and good.  I must have needed to cry, I don't cry.  I think the dude could of handled the situation much better, but it doesn't matter anymore.  None of it does.  I am moving on.  I know that I am a beautiful good kind person, that deserves better - across the board.
My mother made her choice a long time ago...everything she is is how she has chosen to be.  That my son has chosen sides with thinking that I am wrong to expect the other one to work with me, that he needs coddling when he is 30, I called his girlfriend, thinking we could work together to support him to get the things done that he needs to and was hit with her saying that he didn't have the same opportunities as the other one...that there was favoritism going on, another sucker punch.  Wow!!! so now I know where everyone's head is....and I can't even say anything anymore because I am done.
I am moving on with my life.
And just that this dude could be no nonchalant about how we were together, mindfucked me.  The cards, the gifts, the thoughtfulness, who just dumps someone if they care, and then says they don't care....no wonder I felt so unvalued and thrown away.  Move on...go on with your life...so sorry I hurt you....I said "don't get attached"...I didn't. I was just enjoying myself.   Love is a complicated thing.
spiritually love is a high form of being.  the highest form of being...connecting to another and just being.  spirit is the beautiful thing and as a woman who has studied and worked hard on herself I thought I knew what I was doing.  I didn't.  I really didn't.
Time heals all wounds.  I am waiting for time to heal these wounds.  I am waiting.  I have moments of exuberance when I pray.  I have moments of pure love when I do my work.  I have moments of clarity when I feel my soul sending me messages, one of which was to not hurt this man, clear as day in his shower, it hit me over the head, don't hurt him,  but it didn't tell me what he was going to do.
and I reacted, because I worked from a sacred space, I created a sacred space to be with him and it felt desecrated.  To me. So I got dramatic. Really dramatic.
I realized that everything was in order and these were my challenges and that I took the low road in some of this.  That I didn't say "How can it get better than this"!!! but now I remember.  And now I am going to remember that everything is in divine order and I am going to chill.  And let go and let god.

Friday, February 24, 2017

I am willing to be healed

"I am willing to be healed"...

Those are the words that were given to me by a healing practitioner. A spiritual practitioner.  Someone you can talk to that understands that everything that happens isn't on the physical realm.  Most of life isn't on that realm, but as humans in a fleshly body that is where the work shows up.
Those words are my mantra right now.  
I am reminded that the most important thing we are here on this planet to do is LOVE,
some people get it twisted and think saying I love you means something more intimate and binding.
Love isn't binding, love is free.  Love is the recognition of self and other in the divine and cosmic dance of connection.  It is open, and healing...it is being in tune with the higher vibration and frequency of unconditional acceptance on this planet.  Some people don't get this.  The words have a lower frequency when they utter them because they don't understand the words are power.
Many of us didn't receive love as children, we didn't receive unconditional love, the kind of love that accepts one right where one is, highs and lows...and everything in-between.  So we don't know how to recognize it.
Back to being willing to be healed...love is a very big part of healing.  Loving oneself enough to be open to what it means to say I am willing to be healed.  I am willing to be loved unconditionally.
It is a vibration.  A vibration of power but not power that is hurtful.  Power that is open to receiving all the good that is available on this planet.  Watch all the good that flows in abundance as the healing begins and the heart heals.  

wire, pearls, nails, acrylic on wood

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Being in a Love Bubble

"We let the love wash over us"

I am wadding through the morass of the changes in my life.
Last night I let myself be ensconced in a bubble of love.  That I remember the truth of who and whose I am.  That in the midst of all the shit I am dealing with that 
I am LOVE, 
I am LIGHT,  
I am TRUTH, 
I am here to learn, grow and be my best self.
I am moving, 
my mother has finally been diagnosed with cancer, 
my car is acting shitty, 
the man I was connected to didn't want to see me anymore.
I am here now...I realized that God and Goddess never give us more than we can handle.
So I listened to the words, the songs and CRIED.  I CRIED AND CRIED.
And let people hold me.  And I NEVER DO THAT.
I felt better, I felt like I had released the ache in my heart.
I felt the love wash over me and release life for me.
I remember who I am...I got lost in my relationship with this man.  He stripped me and then let me go.  Metaphor here, but real.  I was beginning to trust, it takes time for me.  And then I was bereft.
And being the good woman that I am, he was inside of me...deep.  So I have to take care of myself.
And realize that it was not meant to be.  That I must move forward, let the love wash over me.
I pray for the conditions to be met that bring me to the right everything.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Rain - A blessing

My ocean, my healing, my space

These are my go to's...to help me process when things get funky.

I was lucky enough to go to the beach on a rainy day...I planned to go and settle in and meditate and pray and ask for help with healing and letting go of that which does not serve me.
I was annoyed.. I had made my plan a week ago.  I was off from work and really was ready to do this process.  I had been journaling all week, I was clear, I worked on the words, all the things I would need.

That was actually in my favor.  Because there was no one at the beach.. I stood there in my bright pink cashmere sweater and green umbrella...I yelled, I screamed, I cried and released that which does not serve me any more.  I was grateful GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL, that it was a rainy day, so there was no one at the beach to think that I was crazy.

It was in my favor.  I felt lighter and like I had handled my business.  I came home, showered, made a shake and took a nap and went to another yoga class.  The yoga is really helping me.  I am opening my self up for the wisdom of my soul.

Life does give us what we need..in every form.  Sometimes we don't realize what a blessing is.
And if we listen, the messages and intuition come in.

Saturday, February 18, 2017


I write this on the fly...
I am in the process of between no longer and not yet....
My home is filled with boxes...
Empty of the things that once gave me great pleasure but now I am ready for new things, new experiences
My heart is heavy....lots of things have not gone the way I needed them to...
I am ANGRY...I am yelling a lot.
I am happy to yell and rant and be angry.
The truth...that is all we have...trust in the process...being connected to a higher source and knowing that it will all be what it is going to be.
I am strong,
I have a strong soul
I have been given the gift of love gratitude beauty
I can be here now in this space, knowing that by trusting my intuition and guides
I will get to the other side.

Rain Room
moola mantra