Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. - Rumi

Saturday, April 29, 2017

~~~What is love? What does love have to do with relationships?~~~

What is love?  What does love have to do with relationships?  Why do we want it? Think we need it?  What does it mean to need something?

What do I think love is?  
Why do I want it? How does it play out in relationships between men and women?  Or really any couple? 

Tackling this topic requires me to really take a look at myself and the relationships I have had in the past.  I don’t know whether to call them successful or unsuccessful.
I don’t know what to say.  I have loved, but not been in love.  I have lusted and been lusted after.  I have thought I was going to stay married forever and been divorced.
I have cared about someone way too long after the relationship was over.  I have acted poorly and taken the low road.  I have given my best and tried to be open and communicative.  I have had good sex, amazing sex; poor sex, and existed on no sex.
It is the communication with another that we crave.  I crave connection.  And am baffled when I think I am connecting with a man and then things go south.  Or don’t work out.
What is that all about?  I recently read an article about a woman, who seemed beautiful and great, that her husband left her.  I met a woman at the spa and her husband left her…my point being that I am not the only woman that has a challenge with men.  That it is universal for some of us and for others they have someone that they are with forever. 
There were times in my life that I wasn’t so interested in having a life partner.
I was busy learning about me.  I was busy growing up and undoing all of the damage that happened to me as a child.  Healing.  Learning to heal myself and learning who I was.  And along that path, I learned what I liked and didn’t like and what resonated with me and what didn’t.
But back to love and relationships…. I now think love is overrated.  Love is something we should begin by loving our self.   I love myself.  I treat myself like I am precious and valuable.  I start with me.  And then hope that I can find a life partner, man that can resonate with that vibration.
All of a sudden, a year ago, I knew that I was as ready as I would ever be to enter into the fray of trying to meet a man.  And so I have tried the Internet dating thing and actually have some interesting stories to tell.  I don’t find myself jaded or discouraged…but I continue to wonder about this love thing.
All the new age inspiration talks about how when “you are ready it happens”, “vibrate the cosmos and the cosmos will vibrate back”…”what you are seeking is seeking you”, and on and on and on….visualize what you want…..I have reasonated with each one of these statements and done my best to be open and available.

So love…is that what I am looking for, or what I already have?  I have it already.  I have it for myself.  For everything and everyone in my life…maybe what I want is a sexual partner.  The exploration and connection of me to a man in a cosmic dance of sensuality.  That is love, that is lust, that is a dance as old as time.  I am working through and grappling with these thoughts. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

A love nest......

Who doesn't want a special place to go and let your hair down?
Like a love nest or a fuck place....
Doesn't that sound like heaven?
It sounds like a dream to be able to slip away from the everyday world we live in,
filled with all kinds of challenges of dealing with people and situations.
I just image a space, filled with a big comfy bed, a beautiful view, and the kind of company that makes one forget about everything...including my name.
That is what I am wishing for this weekend.  Right now. That space where there is time, good company, music and forgetting about the rest of the world.
 This just sounds so raw...and truthful. We are spirits in human form, and we have needs.
As a woman, sometimes I just want a man that makes me forget about all my situations I have to deal with...to step out of the drama...and just be.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

*****The Healing Magic of Happiness *******

The healing magic of happiness 

This thought came to me today...as I realized how happy my mother was for my visit.  It made her happy.  There is something to be said for making people happy.  For making someone feel good about themself.
What does that mean?  What does that look like?  How can happiness heal?
Taking a stab at these thoughts....I realize that when one is centered in who one is... and accepts ones self there is a release of tension that can be felt by other people. When one comes from a centered place of being.  Grateful for everything and thankful for the very air we breathe, an exuberance eminates from our very being.   I went to visit my mother...I took her to get her nails done and her hair...I Ubered her around and didn't ask her for anything other than to have a great time.
I visited my friend in the hospital...the only person he has let visit...I just made him laugh and gave him sexual innuendos, which took him out of his pain for awhile. 

And then I realized that there was healing magic in happiness.  That being happy can heal.  

Monday, April 24, 2017

******What we do for those who can't do for us....Compassion

It is what we do for people who can do anything for us that define our character.
It's the people who do nothing for us, that we do something for them that's a show of true kindness.
I had this epiphany the other day, realizing that I make a choice...I can help someone who can't help me.
My tax guy is in the hospital possibly having his leg or foot operated on, amputated.  Serious.
He has always been nice to me. It's nothing for me to show him gratitude. And appreciate him doing my taxes all these years making an extra copy for me to send to my son's school for financial aid.
I am not looking for brownie points...it really is just a matter of making a choice to be a good human.
I have feelings of compassion for people who have put themselves in a situation where they have a rough road with their bodies.  My mother smoked my whole life and now has lung cancer.
I have compassion for people who try to do the right thing by people who are mentally unstable.  
Women who let men hit them.... not realizing they are not going to change.
Men who have treated me unkindly...or hurt me.
I am choosing to give up on anger.
My sister who has anger issues and has directed them at me....I am not taking the bait.
She sent me a really bitchy text...and I did not respond to her. I just didn't feel anything to want to enter the fray with her anymore.
I actually feel compassion for her that she can't or doesn't want to see the light.
She can and has gotten a rise out of me.  Making me behave in ways that aren't me. I am done with that and her. Although a man I like did get a rise out of me this winter but then I got correct and felt remorse for my behavior.
Funny thing with him is that it was a compliment.  I cared.
So, I realize it really is something when we do things for people that there isn't any benefit to us...that because truth is, we always expect something in return.
I stopped doing that.
I may not like your life choices but I will not throw in your face that what is happening is your fault.
Kindness is free, it doesn't cost anything.  A smile is free, it doesn't have a monetary value.  It is the things that do not have a monetary value that are to be valued.  
Treating another human with kindness and curtesy when they haven't always treated you that way...that is a great gift.  It is a gift to the giver.  Because it is clean and doesn't have any toxicity on it.  
I have learned to be careful with the words that I chose as well.  I don't feel sorry for anyone.  WE all make our beds.  I make mine, we all do what we do, to who we do it to.  But for sure, having compassion is a great act, being careful to chose the words to describe what we see and experience, just as valuable.  I think.  

Sunday, April 23, 2017

See Everything as a Miracle

See everything as a miracle.

 This concept, of seeing everything as a miracle is a tough one.  To me it means to be in a state of constant awe of the beauty of life.  So look around.  See the blossoming flowers.
Look around.  See the sweetness of life.  Look around.  Hear the  birds, the ocean, an uplifting piece of music.  Look around.  Touch another human with kindness, a hug, a handshake, a kiss.  Look around.  Realize that we get to choose.  We get to choose kindness, love, openness, non judgemental-ness, shining light into the darkness.

I went to visit my mother.  I got up at the crack of dawn, got on an airplane and flew to her.  It took less time than I thought to get to her, although I do dislike the Sacramento airport, it is way out of town.  And it is so spread out there.  I surprised her by being a little too early.  She was at the church having Saturday morning breakfast.  She was surprised and happy to see me. I sat and held space for her.  
I could not go into her place.  It smelled and wreaked of cigerettes and stale air.  I couldn't.  So I sat on the porch as I do when I visit her.  And we made a plan to get mani pedi's and to get her hair done and have lunch.  I went to be with her.  I saw that she was living (in her mind) in this place of sadness, despair, and unhappiness.  I saw that all I could do was  be there, because I could not change anything.  Her cancer, her sickness is wearing on her.
All I could do was bring some light to her.  She is still smoking and drinking.   And at this stage of her life, it isn't worth her trying to quit.  She is not strong enough for that.

So the miracle...in this situation...was that I came down there and just held space for her.
I accepted what was. I didn't create any stress or tension or bring any drama to an already dramatic situation.  I brought some love, light and joy to her.  I gave the light of my life, my being.   

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Women

The women

Portrait of the artist in college
clay scupture

Relationships with women are complex.  As children we love and hate each other, holding hands at school, writing and making drawings for each other.  Learning things from each other.  And then at some point, we begin to look at each other with a critical eye....at each other's clothing, shoes, hair, facial features...choices of style...choices of everything.  And how painful its it to go through puberty as the girl with boobs that are too big, and the girl that doesn't develop boobs and the girl that is too tall or too short, or too smart, or not smart enough.....AHHHHH!!!!!! it can go on forever.. and then add boys into the mix.  And then we just go crazy...our hormones are already on over drive and then we have our crushes and not crushes.  Then it gets really complicated when we add sexual interest into the mix...then we are trying to figure out what we will do for "that boy's" attention.  Society hardwires us to be competitive with each other, maybe a long time ago for survival of the species.  
And so here we are now... and I look at women, my friends, and other women in the streets, out in public.  I observe what they wear to get attention, who looks like they want the attention and who doesn't, at the end of the day some want and don't want a man's attention.  And what that means, what that means really.  
Are we constantly judging each other?  Does it ever stop?  How do we get to a place where we are not self-conscious about who we are individually?  Why do we judge? What's the story? Who can you trust with your most deepest secrets and who do you never tell them anything about you?
I have begun thinking about all this after an experience I had this summer with a girl friend I have had since college.  I was so excited about a new relationship.  I just spilled my guts to her....and she went off on me.  Not just once...but called to leave me a long message that the guy wasn't for me.   No I am happy you met someone.  Hope it works out...nope, flat out dogged me.  I was stunned to say the least. I didn't expect that. She has known me forever. It kinda nosedived our relationship.
And really set the wheels in motion for me to write about this topic and think deeper about female relationships.
I have learned that women are often critical of each other, I have taken my fair share of the brunt of other women's jealousies.  I remember being confused and not understanding why "she" didn't like me...now I understand. 
I understand and I don't care anymore.  I have to let my light shine no matter what.  That is what I have to do.  Just be myself and trust myself.  
I like to think I have girlfriends that I can trust with my most inner most thoughts.  I know I have a sister and cousin that I can't.  They will take any opportunity to make a dig at me.
Ahh...this topic is one that I could write on forever.  But what I know is that I am going to remember that I am enough, as Brene Brown says, and that I am worth my weight in gold, joy, love, beauty, kindness, compassion and all things of beauty on the planet.  
I send love and light to all my women friends and colleagues.  We all deserve that.
The women, the story of women, we are the force of life, the essence of the earth, we are creativity at it's best and highest form.. we can give life, not only through physical birth, but through our creative force.  I am of the earth, I am of the sky, I am of the universe.
I am a woman.  I am one of many.  I chose the beauty and love.

Life moves
watercolor on watercolor paper

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Feed the creativity of my soul

Hamsa, love, om
watercolor on watercolor paper

Feeding the creativity of my soul seems to be part of my journey on this planet.  I have a fifth house sun, which in astrology is creativity and children.  I cannot help myself.  I see things differently.  I hear things differently, I feel things more deeply and differently. 
I find myself to be a more so than not even keeled, happy human.
I have felt the depths of despair.  I know sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal, pain.
I know them…they were my buddies when I was growing up in a household filled with fear.  But I don’t live in that house anymore. 
I live in a house that I have created.

How do I feed the creativity of my soul?

I sing, I make art, everything I do has creativity in it. 
One of my dreams in this life is to make jewelry.  I have persued this passion off and on in many ways through out my adult life.  And I had a flashback to living in San Francisco and making beaded earrings.  They were gorgeous, I lacked confidence in my abilities.   And then when my sons were little making necklaces for my friends and family, they were gorgeous. 
And this last year…I once again returned to this passion.  Now I am going to make it come true.  I am writing a business plan, and setting a goal.
Of course, it helps that there are Etsy, Instagram and Facebook now.  And it helps that I can see that this is part of who I am.  
So now I am in a go for it mode.   

There is a deeper component of this question though - how I feed the creativity of my soul.  How do I heal myself when shitty things are happening?  How do I take care of the sweetness, the kindness, the loving gentle soul that I am, that I came here to be?
I don't know how to answer that directly.  I know that it I have a source within me that guides and directs me to find something that keeps me going...sometimes I just surrender to love, to joy, to the Goddess, to God and to the knowing that I have a story to tell, that I have a purpose...and if I stay focused on that and my life's work...I can make it.