No More Secrets

No more, no more secrets….

No more holding on to that which doesn’t serve ones growth and development.

I had this thought today in yoga.  I have so many areas of development, but the area I can work on right now is not holding on to outdated ideas of who I am or how I can be treated in the world.

I am going to start speaking up for myself and not hold on to words or actions flung my way thoughtlessly.

I have begun letting people know I am not a punching bag.

Holding on to secrets hurts us inside.  It hurts our soul and our heart.  We carry around these experiences never giving them a voice and they eat us up from the inside.

I resolve to have no more.  I resolve to speak my truth to who ever I need to speak it to.

I resolve not to carry the burden inside myself for another’s actions or even my own.

And to not do things that put myself in that position.

Emerging into the Light

Lakshmi watercolor on watercolor paper

 

“Walking and Planting…..”

In one of the recent sermons Rev Michael from Agape, gave that I really listened to, he talked about planting and walking, that the farmer doesn’t plant and hover or take the plant with him to see if it is growing, he puts the seed in the soil and walks.

I am musing on these words and my interpretation is: we put our ideas out there and we keep moving forward.  We plant the seeds of what it is we seek to develop in our self and don’t stand there to wait and see if it grows. 

That is where the element of trust comes in.

I want to walk and plant the seeds of love.  That everyone I come in contact with knows and feels the unconditional love and acceptance necessary to evolve into one’s best self.

At this time of year I find myself in new beginnings.

I am over the moon elated to begin taking classes toward becoming a Licensed spiritual practitioner.  This has been a dream of mine for many years.  I put my foot in the water by taking a class called Transformational Tuesdays.

Would I be engaged?  Would the subject matter call forth helping me learn more about who I am and what I am on this planet to do?

It felt scary, I had to open up myself and share who I am in a group setting with people I don’t know.  I had to take a risk.

I would wake up Wednesday morning, bursting with love, and light and joy and happiness.  I felt so connected to myself and the world and right.  It just felt RIGHT.

And now, some weeks later, I know and feel that this is a correct path for me to take in my life.

I know that I am here on this planet for a reason.  I am ready to open myself up to what that is.  I know and am sure that I am here to serve.  I know that I have abilities that I am just beginning to tap.

I know that I am so excited, because it can only make me a better person.

A pensive observation

Would I do it all over again? 

A reflective look back

NO.  I wouldn’t do it all over again.

I would not chose to be the low-self-esteem, no confidence person that let life and people emotionally and sexually abuse me.

I would of used the word NO more often.

The only part of my life that I would do over is have my son and accept my step son into my life.

Hindsight shows me all the ways I didn’t value myself and my abilities.  I had no confidence and no one to pump me up.

Now, I can see what my poor choices took away from me.

I am now re visioning my life to be what I am capable of and without destructive people in it.

Having my sons was the best part of my life, it forced me to grow up.

No it forced me to look at all of the dysfunctional, negative, self – depreciating ways that I REFUSED to have be a part of my sons lives.

It is said we are the sum of our all of our experiences, that they shape us into who we are.  But some of those experiences I could of done without if I had had proper role models who cared, truly cared for me. 

It is why parenting is a sacrifice.  

 Why?

In order to support and nurture a growing human being we have to put our child before ourselves.  Not all the time, but enough.

I feel like I am still becoming who I was meant to be.

And at least is this part of the journey I can walk away from what will give me pain.

Pain is no longer necessary for me to realize I am alive.  I don’t need someone to treat me badly as a way to get attention.

NO ONE CAN TREAT ME BADLY ANYMORE.

Summer Inspiration

two beautiful things about So. Cal and having an iphone that takes panoramic pictures, just playing.

feels good to just play.

Who do you trust?

Who do you trust?

Who do you know will have your back if you get hurt, incapacitated or sick?

I just asked myself this question when thinking about some of the people that I know.  And I realized I can’t depend on them for anything: moral support, emotional support or even real friendship.

And that got me thinking about why I give or have given these people power over me to hurt me emotionally. And I realized it had to stop. STOP!!!

I reach out to people, thinking we can have a nice time together and it is not reciprocated. 

The most important relationship I must build is my relationship with God.  If I die tomorrow, will any of these things matter?  Will any of these people matter?  They won’t.  it will not be important or bring any bearing to my life. 

What will matter is how did I treat the people I come in contact with? 

Was I kind and loving to the best of my ability?

None of this means that it doesn’t hurt to feel rejected, it is important to realize that more important than my relationship with these people is my relationship with God.

 And with myself.

I deserve to have people in my life that want to be in relationship with me and not people who don’t.

It is important for me at this juncture of my life to recognize there are people out there that don’t like me and I don’t have to be liked by everyone.  I don’t like or connect with everyone and that is the way of life.  I don’t want to waste any more of my precious time on this earth worrying about who does and does not like me or think I am worthy to hang out with.  I am worthy of all I want and desire on this planet.

Make your soul visible

Watercolor on watercolor paper collaged

Being who we really are is letting our light shine in the world.  Let your light shine, be your

authentic self.

Inspired by Maya Angelou

I am in love with these words spoken by Maya Angelou.  I think we could all live by them more graciously.  It would be a call to mindfulness on the highest level.

She was a great lady.  She was strong and she survived stuff that would stunt a weak person.

She is great inspiration for me, I have survived some horrible s**t too.

How did you let someone know you cared for them today? Who did you let know you loved them?

Who did you say a kind word to that may have lifted up their spirits?