What I know for sure - my version

Quan Yin statue
Ojai Foundation
 Goddess of Mercy and Compassion
Protector of woman and children

At the end of every issue of O by Oprah, she writes an article entitled What I know for sure. For me it was always thought provoking and deep, well thought out and well written.  It would inspire me to make it through another day sometimes when I was down.   She has discoursed about relationships, self, food, working out, listening, etc.

Today when I was driving to my summer job, which I just love, I realized I have things that I know for sure.

That I love children, and working with them, even when it’s hard.  That I love my son’s, even when they make me crazy.

That I love my life, even when it’s hard and I want to cry like a little girl.  That I love my life when it’s good and when it’s not good.

More so than not I try to make good choices, even when the good choices are hard.

For instance, 4 months ago or so, I made a change in my eating habits. Now I consider it my life style. It was hard in the beginning, I felt wobbly, unsure when I was just going to buckle to my food desires. I really want a cupcake still. But I stick with it.

I know for sure that the more organized I am in my life, the more smoothly things flow, so I get up earlier and prepare my meals for the day. I always stayed a step ahead of what was happening. 

I know for sure that I am a go the distance girl.  I don’t give in, even when the going is tough, but know when to surrender to a uncompromising situation.

Somehow I survived years of financial struggling. I don’t know how I did it, how I kept gas in my car, and food on the table on a nursery school teachers salary. Let alone the roof over our heads.  I wore a lot of flip flops and men’s white t-shirts.

I know that when I am calm, even when the waters are stormy and I am sure I am going to sink it turns out okay.

One thing I do to calm myself is go to the gym. Moving my body helps me get out of my head. I have a gym membership I can afford and it’s less expensive than therapy or physical therapy.

I know for sure I am a good person. When I get the rewards back on my staples card, I always give the portion I didn’t use to the next person in line. Why not!

Even when I disliked my son’s father I never denied him access to his children. Why! Our problems were with each other, not our children.  I decided to let them get old enough to decide on their relationship with him.

I dislike him less now, time has a way of eroding that which is no longer needed in the human heart and soul.

I have come to the realization that one thing I know for sure is that life is full of ups and downs. 

People have let me down, people have really helped me out, people have talked about me, people have given me accolades. Sometimes I feel unfocused and unsure.  I am afraid. But what I know for sure is that I am always going to help someone out, love a child that I have in any class I teach, value them for who they are, value the people in my life for who they are and hopefully laugh, a lot. 

A lot, a lot, a lot. 

It’s what gets me through when nothing else does.

On The Reggio Approach - my story

I remember when I first started teaching after my son was born and attended a NAEYC conference in Washington D.C.  One of the presenters was on the Reggio approach.  There was a tour of the Model Early Learning Center.  A headstart program that served low-income families in Washington D.C..  The school was located in a museum.

  

It was incredible.  It was beautiful. 

It was a school for African American children.  It was a school for children heavily subsidized by the government.  These children and their families had been treated with so much respect and value.  The environment was phenomenal. The weaving, light table work, images of the families.  This made me fall in love with the Reggio Approach.

Amelia Gambetti worked in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the United States, bringing hope to these children and families. 

There were investigations, explorations and connections.  In the beginning there was very little parent participation.  But instead of giving up, Amelia went where they were: she visited their homes, their businesses and worked really hard to establish a relationship with the families. 

I fell deeper in love with Reggio.

Our American educational system often discusses plans for helping inner city children and families, programs are implemented but nothing really changes. 

Here was hands on change.

What I value about the Reggio approach is its respect for the three protagonists: the child, the parent, and the teacher.  That they work in harmony with each other. There is value for each player.  Teachers and parents work together.  There is a strong connection between home and school. 

What I value about the Reggio approach is its image of children, teachers and parents.  Strong, competent, life long learners, co-constructors of knowledge.  For me, these ideas form a strong core of how I think relationships should be between teachers and parents and teachers and children and teachers and teachers. 

The process is more important than the product. 

As a teacher my job, my role is not to have the answer, but to support children in the process of discovering the answer.  This is more important and this is where the learning takes place. As a teacher my job, my role is to have a question, to wonder and be curious along side the children.

And this is why I teach the way I teach, and have deep respect for the folks in Reggio Amelia for sharing their ideologies with the world.

Another key for me with this way of teaching is the value placed on listening.  Listening.  

It can be difficult.  Our own brain is going a mile a minute.  To stop, slow down, listen.  Take in another’s perspective, another’s point of view. I think if one listen’s, one can learn. And thus be in dialogue. 

This way of teaching and being began with a visit to the Model Early Learning Center in Washington D.C. many years ago. I will never forget that.  It changed my thinking and the way I wanted to be with children, parents, my own children, my colleagues, myself.

“As a teacher, I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous.  I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.   I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.  In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, a child humanized or de-humanized.”  - Hiam Ginott

Can someone please drive Miss Girlfriend - the tale of a long drive

Rodin Sculpture Garden
Stanford

Driving is not one of my favorite activities.  I would say it is a perfunctory task, necessary for getting around the gargantuan town I reside in.  I am comfortable and familiar with the roads I travel – the ten and four oh five.  I can get anywhere, know where the hills and potholes in the roads are.  On my little stretch of road, I am a road warrioress.

I get into the fast lane and get there.

In my perfect world (not) I would have a driver.  I would make a great passenger.  My granny on my mother’s side didn’t drive.  She walked, took trains, maybe buses or my grandfather drove her.  I remember sitting in the front with him, then climbing in back with her.  Unfortunately, I have to drive and thus have altered my mobility karma.

But I was not a road warrioress on my trek north to pick up my son from college.

I was not even sure I could do it in one straight stretch.  Time and constrains put me in the position of having to do the long stretch.

 After committing to this long driving trek, I asked myself why was I doing this!! Couldn’t he just ship his stuff home? Couldn’t he just leave it there? ( well no, it all has to be washed, you know boys only wash what they need – underwear and socks- maybe).

So back to the road.  I had to leave at noon.  And my goal was to be in Northern Cal by dark.  Thank god it’s daylight savings and not dark until eight.  I considered that an act in my favor.  I packed some healthy snacks and sipped water.

My hands get sweaty, my feet even start to sweat. I was driving a big huge car, but in my imagination I thought it could be blown over by the wind.  It was gusty in central California. I said “ can’t it be gusty after I pass through – thank you very much”.  So I spent some time just following a truck.  I got excited when I stopped for gas in Salinas and discovered San Jose was only an hour away – that meant an hour and a half in my terms.  It was still too light to stop, so I had to keep going and I swear there was a wind at my back and something was propelling the car forward.

And  No traffic, no traffic…. by then it was six o’clock.  I just breezed through. Crazy right?

I arrived at my destination by 7:20.  It took me seven and a half hours to drive up to Palo Alto.

the patio off my room

a rose outside my door

Once I was there I had to find a place to sleep, originally I had reservations for two nights, but that changed.  Oh and it was graduation weekend.  And everyplace is booked.  The kids had to be out of their dorms by Friday am.  So I had to look for a place to sleep as well. Comical.  I went to three places before one place took pity on me and said I could use their computer for find accomadations.  I am not a sleep in the car kinda gal.  that’s what I thought I would do, if it came to it. But in reality no way.  I found a beautiful hotel, it was their last room,price decent and it was way too lovely – the Zen Hotel.  They even served breakfast.  My kind of healthy breakfast.  I even found a Whole Foods the size of Cosco.  It was huge.  It was in Los Altos. 

The way back!!! 

You really don’t want to know about that.  It took me nine, nine, 9 hours to get back home. There was traffic, there was road work, there was a bicycle race, there was the ocean and that made me dizzy.  By the time I got to the sunset exit at the 405, I had had enough. 

Even though there was street traffic, I was happy to be home. And I was exhausted.  Of course I enjoyed the time in the car with my young man. Of course he slept a lot, pulling an all nighter before getting in the car with your mom helps one relax! Ahem!!

I managed to keep my spirits up by texting my friends at rest stops and the responses made me giggle and keep going.

This experience is like childbirth to me.  I will complain about it for a while, forget about it and then be ready to do it again in the fall.

I continued to eat healthy.  We made it back in one piece. I am happy.

Rodin sculpture garden Stanford
I love the juxtapositon of children's art
next to this great sculptor's work.
children were having lunch and visiting the museum at the same time
as me. Lovely grounds.

I Love Men - especially when they are little

I love men, especially when they are little.  They let me dress them, chose the style of their hair, give hugs and kisses freely (and often).  I love men when they are little, they listen more so than not, wash up when I say, and hold their women (mother) in highest regard.  I love men when they are little, they are straight forward: “I’m hungry, I want that toy, please take me to the toy store, park, pool, read the story for the millionth time.  Little men are so much easier to deal with than grown ones.  You know where you stand. 

I am grateful for the men in my life.  My sons, my son’s father, my father, grandfather, my friends, the lovers: the men who have guided me along on my path.

Men can be difficult to understand, decipher, communicate and co-exist with: but I LOVE them.  Sometimes they drive me crazy but the men that live in my world, I would fight for and defend any and every day. 

In the gym I watch men pumping iron, flexing and trash talking.  Is it the testosterone that has them there working so hard or do they need the endorphin rush that I get?

I observe them when they are shopping, different from how we women shop, they don’t chatter about what they are looking at.  There is no “will it fit, make my butt look big, small”, I don’t think they wonder like that or if they do they don’t show it.

My sons hate it when I use my “teacher” voice. But that is apart of who I am.  I am working on it.  Maybe I am too easy going, maybe I am too nice – I don’t like to yell or fight. I don’t know – this is an area of development for me.

I have a hard time with grown men.  I get shy, I don’t say everything I want to say, I say too much.  It is the most difficult dance for me.  I keep trying.

Rainbow spiral
watercolor on watercolor paper
2010

I am in this evolving space where I would like to have that man that is my friend, my confidante and so, so, so much more. And yet it eludes me.  I will keep working on it. Maybe in this lifetime it will come to me.

I have some good stories about men I have met and have heard some good stories...maybe I will tell a few, on another day.

Achieve Great

Some are born great, some achieve great, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em  - Shakespeare

This is one of my all time favorite quotes. I think of this quote and think of people in my life.  People that have touched me by their actions, their truth, their ability to stay focused, in the process.  People that walk their talk. 

Greatness does not have to be a huge or great act to have significance in the life of another.  It can be simply being consistent.

Everyday.  People have the opportunity everyday to achieve greatness. I think it has to do with kindness on that level.  Helping someone out, smiling, letting someone in on the freeway, opening a door, holding a door, letting someone go first.

Greatness can also have to do with being willing to make sacrifices for the better good.

Civil rights protestors had greatness thrust upon them.  Anyone willing to stand up for, put themself in the line of danger for something they believe in has greatness thrust upon them.

I believe babies are born great.  There is infinite possibility there.  We are each born with a capacity to grow, learn and achieve great. It’s what we do with it when we become cognizant of being adults that frames our life.

I have made bad choices, muddled unclear choices and good choices. We all have.  Yet as humans, we have the capacity to shift, change our thinking if you will.  About anything.

Love, love, love
acrylic on wood
4/2011

Greatness. To achieve greatness.  It can affect the whole world, meaning our planet or our small world the one we revolve around in with our friends, family and coworkers.

People that I know that do things to help other people less for fortunate – like collecting diapers to help those less fortunate, volunteering to feed homeless people.  these are acts of kindness, but they are also acts of greatness.

While many think this Shakespeare quote is more in line with thinking of leadership and achievers, I am breaking it down to a more day to day basis of how in this day and time, individuals can make a choice about their behavior in the world. Thus be great by example.

109 days: An Update on some Change

"There is no such thing as a small miracle. A gym is a place of miracles. People do things they once thought impossible--lifting heavier, squeezing out one more rep, finding discipline and willpower they didn't know they had. They're amazed at how good they feel and look, and they carry their new power into the world. This is the miracle I wanted to give to the world."

-   Joe Wieder, excerpt from Brothers of Iron

Today is 109 days of clean eating.  I almost don’t know what dirty eating is anymore.  I am not tempted by cookies, donuts, cupcakes or fried chicken.  Gummy bears no longer hold me hostage, potato chips don't call my name.  I can pass on all that stuff.

Probably because I get up at 6 in the morning and eat some fruit and feel good. 

Finally, I feel like I have accomplished something. A huge something.  I have stuck to the plan for almost 120 days.

My goal to go for 120 days - then evaluate.

And finally, my body is beginning to feel wonderful to me again. I know from how hard I push myself in the gym that I am being successful, but finally I am internalizing the message. 

The jeans fit, but they're not loose (my goal) and everything else is finally getting more comfy and loose.  I am still on my journey to deal with this conundrum of how to be healthy, finding the right amount of exercise and eating right, and can I reintegrate some dessert type treats in to my routine and not go overboard.

I like to call the gym the playground and the machines and weights the toys (for grown-ups).  It makes me happy to be there.  I like challenging myself to build my strength, endurance and confidence in doing so.

Recently I picked up some 15 pound dumbbells and the first words out of my mouth were, “they’re too heavy”, but I kept doing the exercise.

The harder the exercise is, the more I sweat, the happier I am.  Because it has a finite time span in my day and for those few minutes, I am completely absorbed in my task: be it walk outs, burpies, squats or ab work. And I never give up.

The Kiss
acyrlic on panel board
5/2011
still in progress- working out the details

So that translates into other areas of my life. And things shift and change and move about with more ease as I make room for more ease in my life.

My art work has changed to include another person.  That is a new development for me.  One that I am still pondering and reflecting on. 

Change. Movement. Growth. Life. Being. Strength. Power. Love. Peace. Discipline. Joy. Mindfulness. Grace. Clarity.

Relationship.Communication.Happiness.




Addendum:  
This week I was tempted by food.  Late one nite, having worked out hard not eaten since lunch and out past my bedtime: someone tempted me with a protein shake.  Did I want one.  Of course I said yes. I was thirsty, I had not cheated all this time, this was a logical option for having not eaten.  Sadly or happily, I did not get the shake, I was told that it was too much sugar and too late for me to have it.  I did try to cheat.  I was asked what my favorite chocolate was and thought a box(chocolate covered peanuts) was coming my way ---it hasn't.  So it's not like I don't have little temptations around me.  But I am being kept  clean, clean, clean.

Sometimes - we need a reminder

Pretty women wonder where

My secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a

Fashion models size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

From “Phenomenal Woman”

by Maya Angelou

Sometimes in the shuffle of the day we forget that we are all magnificent wonderful human beings on this planet having a very human experience.  Sometimes we are overly self conscious of our short comings or areas of development as I like to call them now. 

This poem reminds me to treasure who I am and what I do and can do in the world.  It reminds me that we are all beautiful and beauty is within more than with out. 

Sometimes all we need is a reminder of our beauty. A kind word, gesture or touch. Sometimes, many times, it becomes a reminder to stay true to oneself, trust the process and be present keep us all grounded here on planet earth.

My personal world has been shattered by change and it is beautiful.  I am learning to trust my intution and instincts.  It reminds me to be grateful and loving to everyone who crosses my path.

The Kiss
acrylic on canvas panel
4/2011
(in a series inspired by Rodin)
4/2011